There Are Days

You know there are days I really just want to give up, & I do for the most part. But there are days that I really really want to give up and someone talks me out of it, or I talk my self out of it and I guess that's a good thing and a good sign but what happens to those people who "cared" for that split moment. Where were they before those feelings and where are they after. I don't really believe in friendship when people just come and go so easily. I don't really believe I need anyone who isn't my immediate family; which is why I always choose to be alone when it comes to making friends. 

Sure as a kid having friends seems nice and all but there's always the bad things no one thinks about for their kids; them picking up their habits good or bad, other kids getting you into trouble, bullying, fighting, name calling, tattle tales, finger pointing, bad mouthing, over eating, under eating, he reads to much, she reads to little, he said this, she said that. Why wasn't I allowed to just be myself, by myself with my pencils and sketch book and shut the world out.

I was told I had to do gym even though I had zero co-ordination skills what so ever and had no interest in it what so ever. Why do I have to learn things i'm never going to use. Why do I have to interact with kids who were not just seconds ago calling me fatty and four eyes? because adults think kids can't think for them selves and honestly if given the chance I would have done better. I loved all the best classes needed to grow; math, science, history, spelling, art, etc. Gym should be an extra, pen pals should be an extra, recess should be an extra!

When you're told that you're doing recess wrong as a child honestly I really just want to tell parents to get a fucking clue! if your kid likes spending their time drawing rather than running around like some stupid monkey with some other stupid monkeys then don't clip their wings. Fuck you parents, Fuck you Teachers, Fuck you society!

Kids are going to be kids but if parent's expect kids to not bully then they shouldn't be the one's bullying first. They set the examples up for kids.

I'm now 23 and i'm going to be 24 this March 2015 and I have developed over just my short 23 years so far, Depression, Anxiety, (OCD) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Stressful Eating Habits, Trust Issues, Suicidal Tendencies, Paranoia, and a Larger than life list of Phobias...

Thanks Childhood.

(& no none of this should be taken as a reflection on my parents parenting skills)

Why?; because when the teachers told me I had to, my Father said FUCK YOU!

If I didn't want to do something I didn't bloody well have to!

WHY? because i'm the daughter of a fucking true grit and grime biker!

not your fucking dumb ass little dentist riders, wannabee motorcyclist who spit out the words "live to ride and ride to live" bullshit! go fuck your self!

You all have complex's that say if you act this way people will fear you NO! they're laughing at you, cause you look stupid. My dads generation is still strong, they're old, they're dirty, and they spit in the face of authority! come on dentist spit in that cops eye! no? oh, didn't think so.

I don't care that I have all these problems with my self image and emotional damage because at the end of the day I am part of a great and ever true group of wonderful men who know what the real rules of the road are; and my dads group is my family, they are all my dads, they are all my friends, they are all I need at the end of the day. I shall fear no evil, I dance with it, I drink with it, and I am the spawn of evil.

Life can throw some pretty big punches and sometimes it can just do nothing at all and I can get upset, but you people are the people who make me sick. don't tell me who I am, whats wrong with me and what I need to do to get better, let ME be ME. 

and you....

Go Fuck Your Self <3 

Freak Show

I have been really addicted to the freak show scene lately.

being into the dark, witchy, morbid and all things obscure anyways this should come as no surprise. I came across a story today written by M.J. Pack 

I believed it was real at one point which really caught my attention and for a second I hoped it was. It was interesting being on the other side of the story and I urge you all to read it as well because I found it fa-nominal.

STORY HERE 

One Of A Kind Show Part 2

So It's been a few days now since The One Of a Kind Show in Toronto,

It was so wonderful to go with my family. Even my cousins wife's brother was there  with his wife and son so we had lunch together, We were there for 8 hours constantly walking. We sat down for lunch for 10 minutes and another 5-6 minutes at the end waiting for others to get back from bathroom breaks of course. It was how ever very exhausting. I didn't get as many gifts for people as I would have liked because there were so many things to see with over 500 vendors there. But I got a gift for my dad which I will post about around Christmas when he opens it and I got some other things.

I got some cards from my favorite vendors so i'm going to post them here with their websites so you can check them out too!

So to start I must do so with my absolute favorite! I went last year and I was treated like an absolute gorgeous barbie and I came back this year and bought my favorite shirt off her and she even remembered me from last year. 

Linda Lundström Designs

http://designedbylindalundstrom.com/

Email: lindalundstromworks@gmail.com

twitter.com/LundstromLinda

I bought her lovely black shirt that can be worn in over 7 different ways, and turns into a dress and a skirt as well.

My Second Favorite was 

Art + Illustrations by Hoi-An Tang

http://mehoi.com/shop/art

She has thee cutest art pieces and I think she was one of the booths that myself and Barry found our selves spending the most time in looking at all her cute pins and art. She had art from cute animals wearing capes to girls with little f*ck you sayings to pins with bacon and dildo pictures on them lol They were seriously fun.

Him Creations is next!

http://himcreations.com/

https://www.facebook.com/HimCreations

This booth was absolutely Kawaii in all sense. She creates little 100% wool art creatures just by poking the wool with a cute little needle. She also sells little kits so you can make some of your own creations. (Picture is a wool cat creation on top of a real cat)

The next booth unfortunatly doesn't have a website that I can share with you as their card only gives me a name and their email but I guarantee they are a wonderful creative booth. it's called;

Cocorico Studio

email: cocorico.studio@yahoo.ca

They create beautiful things with hand blown glass. She had some of the cutest quills with ink pots, drink stirs, general art glass pieces, jewelry an more that were just all very much gorgeous!

Now Lucli Lucich 

She had the most wonderful art there in my opinion, purple bears, yellow pigs and green moose!

She even had a section where she showed us how she went about painting her party animals!

http://www.julialucichart.com/category/paintings/party-animals/

https://www.facebook.com/JuliaLucichArt

Brad Jesson was there again which was wonderful

He does some of the most lovely art I have ever seen

Glass art as well and it's glass like you've never seen!

http://www.bradjessonglassart.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Brad-Jesson-Glass-Art/147988518553661

Oil Paintings by Richard Ahnert

absolutely wonderful mind boggling pieces of animals with human characteristics.

http://mycanvas.ca/paintings-2014/#

The Rover Boutique

http://www.theroverboutique.com/

Wonderfully cute pieces for your cat or dog companion.

Fuel Glassworks

These pieces made me and Barry take a step back and really wish we won the lottery because we would have made him rich with the things he had to offer!

If you can't tell in the photo provided he makes lovely tables out of large pieces of wood and fills them with molten glass and the way they turn out is GORGEOUS!

http://fuelglassworks.com/

https://www.facebook.com/fuelglassworks?fref=nf

Botania Fresh Soaps

http://www.botania.com/

A wonderful array of fresh all natural soaps!

I bought 3 of these soaps for $20 each soap can last up to 3 months if kept dry and not in a soap dish which would hold a lot of water. the soaps I bought were; Lemon Poppy Seed, Passion Fruit, & Barry got one called Stone Henge.

We have used the last 2 so far and they're absolutely lovely on your skin and smell so so great!

Dorval Designs

This was another of my favorites, even my niece loved his work!

He is a self taught saw artist in Milton, Ontario.

Gorgeous pieces, they are all saw cute pieces of wood designs all pieces are a single piece of wood made into pictures of your favorite characters. artists, and more!

https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/DorvalDesigns

https://www.facebook.com/DorvalDesigns

And last but not least Mr. Gerry Richard 

A great place to buy beautifully designed home decor items - all handcrafted from domestic or exotic woods.  Each piece is designed and manufactured with the highest standard of quality.

This is the man I bought my dads gift with (note the picture shown is not what I got my father).

https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/InfiniteStyleInc#

Needless to say I had a wonderful time, met some really great people, and bought some really cool things!

One Of A Kind Part One

So it's the day of the one of a kind show and I'm laying here in bed just waiting for morning! Desperately waiting cause I'm to stoked to sleep. I was browsing my uncle Normans page on Facebook and noticed a small post about how he's been going to the one of a kind show for 30 years! And this year they won't be making it due to my uncle being a little under the weather with health problems .... I'm really dissapointed they won't be there .... But try are going to have their Christmas show still at teir Gallary in TO so Yay!!! Hopefully I can get there sometime this week or next!! 

Midday Dreary

Cause in the middle of the night

I long to hold you tight

And you're always there

By my side, no questions asked

When tears run down my face 

You're still there all the time

And I love you! 

Strike Back

Posting more seems to be helping me relieve a lot of stress.

I'm super excited to go to the One Of A Kind Show in Toronto 

I can't wait!

Myself and Barry also started our Advent Calendars today!

One piece of chocolate is so not satisfying lol I need to start 20 calendars at once!

Mine how ever does a lovely countdown to New Years as well which is a bonus.

I'm also paying it forward by offering FREE photo's this holiday

to anyone who wants them done.

As long as somewhere down the road you pay it forward as well!

Unless you want to donate a food item to the food bank then I will take that as well!

Also an unused unwrapped Christmas toy or pet food donation! 

I've reconnected with some old friends just in this past week as well which makes me so happy.

I always feel like I have friends but just no one who actually wants to be my friend and hang out

even just to go to timmies and get a drink or go to a pub maybe play some darts or pool.

so this feels good. 

Watched one of my favourite movies tonight Jay & Silent Bob strike back! He'll yea! Noise noise noise smoking weed smoking fatties smoking blunts who smokes the blunts we smoke the blunts lol Jay & Silent Bob rule! 

Tomorrow night we head to Caledon so we can leave early for the one of a kind show but I'm going to make Barry bring his laptop so we can watch Clerks. 

Until then night bitches! 

On A Good Note ♪

♫ƁƦƖŦ♫

I think I'm a new kind of happy. I've never felt so relaxed before.

comfortable in my own skin to say. I'm normally always on edge and anxious.

It could just be the time of year but this time I feel a new sense of self worth.

This is a good time for me to be writing considering most of the things I have had to write about lately have been quite under the levels of sad. I even put makeup on today for the first time in a few weeks, not because I was going out anywhere but because I wanted to. 

 On another note; Barry started work from home now. He's got his own office and everything right across from our bedroom so on his breaks he comes out and gives me a kiss, and I get to spend his hour long lunch with him which he's loving and so am I. I can't play my music as loud as I want but sound proofing will be going up in a few weeks so that will be awesome.

I'm going to Caledon/Toronto on the 4th of December as well for the One Of A Kind Show!

I can't wait for that; My uncle Norman will be there with his wife Joanie selling their beautiful photography prints. I had fun last year when we went and so did Barry so this year we have a one up on knowing some of our favorite booths will be there again and we'll both have more money for Christmas gifts. (yay!) It's going to be really fun with my Cousin Katherine coming and her mom Inge & my niece Abigail and my mom and Barry are coming of course so I can't wait!

This year's going to roll into a new year on a good note! ♪

Is it enough or no?

I realize that I write this with no real expectation of people leaving me feedback or even reading what I have to say. Not that it matters but I guess it's better then writing it out by hand, or maybe I should write this all out by hand. I'm distant. I feel perfectly fine emotionally one minute and the next I hate the person nearest to me and I feel physically sick. I never used to be a crier. I could hold in the worst of feelings I ever had and now I just cry. It's pathetic. I'd like to just make it all go away but I know I wont. I don't know how. Problem solved right?. No but who cares. No one cares i'm getting surgery tomorrow and the next day. No one would offer to come with me and comfort me. Everyone's just out for them selves. (and here come the water works). Perfect. My own boyfriend doesn't even seem to be concerned, not that he has to be but a few comforting words would have been nice. To much to ask for I suppose. Even though I didn't ask. I guess I don't know if I am suppose to ask or not. I figure it's a given that if you're going to be cut, burned, numbed, stitched and put on pain meds that someone would care about you. Especially when you have someone who says they love you. How do people without so called loved ones do this shit. Maybe i'm reading into this to much. I don't feel better on these meds. They're suppose to help my depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder but so far i'm just mad and feeling worse off. Maybe they have made me better though and this is how i'm truly meant to feel about everything. No one cares, why should I care right? Who cares...

I am alone at a crossroads

I don't know what to call this so I wont give it a name. I'm feeling very alone. Even with Barry around I'm alone. Its like that love stage is over before it even started. As soon as he told me he loved me I stopped feeling like he actually did. I don't know if it's true or just the new medication i'm on, but if it is the new medication they're clearly not working now are they. I just want even just one night of a romantic gesture I don't think that's to much to ask without having to ask. Instead I get ignored for a phone or a tablet, When i'm home alone and he gets off early he chooses going with the guys then doing something with me that night. Maybe I just need this to vent but I feel alone. As soon as i woke up this morning to i knew It was going to be a bad day for me. Then I think things are going to look up cause he sends me a message telling me he wanted to do something romantic next month and go see a show "book of mormon" something that's made by the retards who made south park is not romantic....I need to stop watching Disney movies, I guess love like that is unrealistic to real life situations.

Despair

Well I suppose that I should be sleeping but I'm not. I am in no mood to sleep at all I kind of loath myself right now and am taking a real hard look at my life. I guess I wonder why me is all. I mean in the last four years ive been cheated on, had not one but two miscarriages, diagnosed with PCOS, been told I cant have kids, been told I can have kids but it will be hard, had an awful lower abdomen scare for my appendix, had radiation in a small dose done to me a few times while in the hospital, smashed my face and my knee in a public washroom causing damage to my jaw which requires surgery, been diagnosed with HPV, broken my right foots baby toe, and now i've gained back all fifty pounds that took me the better half of a year to loose in the first place....what else is going to happen to me this is ridiculous. If I didn't have Barry I don't know what I would do.

I do but let's not discuss if right now. Mind you I don't know who I'm even discussing this with as I don't think anyone really cares.I'm writing this for my own pleasure I suppose. Who knows. Online diary I guess. I love you Barry C. Leavoy. xx

New Ventures

I've begun to sell Avon. Thought I would be ok doing so but i'm getting this horrible pain in my chest. I'm not used to telling people i'm selling stuff and seeing if they will buy from me. It seems to be causing me stress and it's only my second day... I'm freaking out inside and I feel like there's a ton of weight on my chest.

Anyone else get this feeling when they have to sell stuff?

also I made this.

is it ok? or to much?

Baptism

My sweet little niece (actually she's my second cousin) but i've been dubbed the auntie, Abigail was baptized yesterday. If you know me you know that i'm Agnostic and not a follower of the church by any means. I love this little peach with everything in my being so in light of all that I went. She was attached to my hip the whole ceremony. It was actually quite nice until the singing began. Church music is quite horrid. They put 3 hands of water on her head and said a bit of jib-jab and then her mother blew out a candle for her and she got to keep it. It wasn't to bad. Not that I would baptize my child but what ever. 

She's such a cutie and honestly she's one of my favorite people on earth and she can't even talk. She just lights up every time she see's me and I love it. She gives me hope for everything. 

On another note, I went to a belly dancing class with my friend Marjorie. I was so excited and yet nervous at the same time but it was actually really really fun! i'm going to join in on the next month of classes because this one ends next monday so there would be no point for me to just start now. I get a cool eszmerelda like belt to with shiny coins on it which is pretty cool beans to me.

My mother's also ready for me to have a baby now. I've been ready since as long as I can remember i'm great with kids and kids love me. I want the responsibility. So me and Barry are trying but not trying like if it happens it happens kind of deal. So not really planning it but just doing things.

Wish me luck!

Removed

I've gotten rid of my facebook, i'm quite done being told what I can an can not put on my own social media page. Like i'm not allowed to have feelings and emotions i'm just suppose to be a happy little drone that doesn't feel anything else like sadness and negativity. I'm not always sad and depressed which is a great accomplishment for me. Since I was 14 i've struggled with depression and anxiety and no one understands they just think that they can say 'cheer up' and it's going to happen... NO.

There are days I wake up and I love life and want to do a bunch of things but when I wake up and have plans to do things and they don't go very well I get a little upset. I don't know what to do and I haven't gone back to that point where I just sit and cry all day, I just try to find a friend to help me feel better and move on. Well I'm going to ask my doctor to change my medication because everyone seems to just hate me lately for being who I am.

An X iety

I really hate that I am so sensitive to the subject of children. I couldn't even make it 10 minutes at my friends baby shower today. I literally had to leave because I just started crying out of no where. Well I can't say no where I know where just it's not the best and I feel so petty about feeling that way. I thought I had the man of my dreams in a 7 year relationship and three months pregnant and it all went to shit. Got cheated on and had miscarried my child, now I can't even go to a damn baby shower without becoming a baby my self. How uncouth  of me. I'm not afraid to admit i'm jealous of her she's beautiful, skinny, married and now having a boy; all the things I've wanted since I could remember. But I shouldn't be this way I have Barry. I'm happy i'm apparently just emotionally not ready to loose the thought of my previous unborn child, does that make me a monster?

I can't even talk to my father about it because I never told him when it happened and I don't know how he will take to it. My mom knows but she's not very great at making me feel any better about it. But I can't blame her for trying, Her mother was and still is an awful person so I don't blame her for not having very good emotional contact skills. It doesn't really help either that since being with Barry i've found out that it's going to be harder for me to have kids because of my miscarriage. He acts like it's ok I know he's worried to but I can't help but feel sorry for my self and I don't want to. I've lost more than one child and I can't deal with it. How do other women go on with their lives after having this happen? is there a happy ending for me? Maybe i'll just adopt...I really want my own child though but adoption is like having your own child just not from your own blood. Maybe Barry wouldn't even want to adopt either. We'll it's not like I need to know right now anyways i'm still young and I don't need to have a child right now I guess it's just being told that it might not happen that hurts the most. 

I am happy for my friend being pregnant. I think she will make a great mom. I just didn't want to ruin her day by being that girl crying in the background and I at least showed up and gave her my congratulations so I feel better for that. That's my blow for today. It hurts and anxiety really sucks.

Luci happy

I feel really accomplished today. Very accomplished. I got all my grocery shopping done, managed my bills, got dinner made, sorted all my files (tomorrow I work on my fathers files), I managed to have a conversation with 2 strangers at 2 different times without having an anxiety attack. One of them in person in a grocery store and the other through a phone. I'm quite proud of my self. I got almost all the laundry done tonight I'll have only 2 more washes to do then the bedding before Barry gets home from work. I could totally be a house wife. One day I'll have a baby in the mix as well though which will make everything I've done today much harder to do with a child but I think I will get even more joy out of he complexity of it all. Sorry this post is more about the chores of life I've done today but I'm happy and I live sharing that. 

(Pillow cats! Abbigail & Dellilah 💕)

A Few Things Off My Chest

Well I suppose I'll start off with the face that i'm now a ginger. Not sure if I am enjoying it or not considering I have had black hair for as long as I can remember. I have been starting to work out with my boyfriend Barry. We will have been together now for 1 year this August 1st, exciting I know. 

In other news i'm looking for a support group to help me out as I've been to the doctors a few times now and I've found out that i'm struggling with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and a new heart attack for me HPV (human papillomavirus) for those of you who don't know what that entails it's not a great thing to have. I can potentially get cervical cancer from this disease, & as many of you know I had a previous spouse cheat on me who is more than likely the reason I have it so i'm not thrilled. I will be still able to go about my life as normally just adding in a few more doctors appointments then usual and i'm not a risk factor unless you sleep with me which you don't (but yes that means Barry is and yes he is aware and tested and confirmed with me we are going through this together) He's a little more okay with it than I am but it's mainly for 2 reasons; one being that he's trying to be strong for me, & two because getting an STD is one of my all time greatest fears of life.

I'm not thrilled but I will have to live with it and I have come to terms with it as I should because this has no cure. I how ever have become more involved with HPV Awareness groups and finding a cure. I want to get a few wrist bands for people and raise awareness around my community considering I didn't really know anything about HPV until I got it. I'm now wondering what I really went to school for? I mean I took sex education and HPV seems to be something that just gets phased out with other STDs like aids. They should cover all the STDs especially being a woman and HPV being one of the only STDs that can cause cervical and rectal cancers. Why aren't we being made aware? I might stop into my old highschool and have a chat with the staff and see if they will hold an awareness day for the students because women and men should be involved. It takes two for these things to go around. I was actually really surprised to find out that even my own parent's were not aware of what this entailed and it gave me little to know comfort knowing this. I had to sit down and do my own research and while my doctor was impressed I still can't help feeling lost. My hopes here are to reach out to other women with HPV & the other underlying problems that go with it to come forward to me with advice for me to understand and take hold because i'm struggling. January is going to be a whole new ball game for myself, I never knew it was HPV awareness month.

Anyways onto another topic. My stunningly gorgeous new niece Abigail is to be baptized on the 15th (yes that's fathers day) I don't know why they picked that day but i'm sure it will be explained when I get there. For fathers day this year i'm not entirely sure what we have planned I was hoping to get my father one of those indoor-outdoor fire pots that they carry at green earth as he loved the one I got Barry's father for his birthday. We can't seem to think of anything practical to get Barry's father though. He's a man of very little wants and needs. He loves the outdoors and tea. Perhaps we will take them out for dinner in place of materialistic things, who knows I'll leave that one up to Barry.

Well that's my craziness for the week I suppose. 

I'll update again in a while. Hopefully not as long as this time.

Red Best Friend

Colored my beautiful best friends hair last night we finally got photos. We did a 5RR with a 9 Black under panel. Turned out awesome and she can wear her hair anyway and it looks fantastic :)

Update once again

It's officially going to be over half a year with Barry. Our Christmas went beautiful and I'm excited to spend valentines day with him as I've never had someone or I've been with someone who doesn't celebrate valentines and it was awful. I'm excited to be with someone I truly love and loves me back. I want to be with him forever. We've also joined good life fitness together to get health with each other's support. He's deffinently the one.