An X iety

I really hate that I am so sensitive to the subject of children. I couldn't even make it 10 minutes at my friends baby shower today. I literally had to leave because I just started crying out of no where. Well I can't say no where I know where just it's not the best and I feel so petty about feeling that way. I thought I had the man of my dreams in a 7 year relationship and three months pregnant and it all went to shit. Got cheated on and had miscarried my child, now I can't even go to a damn baby shower without becoming a baby my self. How uncouth  of me. I'm not afraid to admit i'm jealous of her she's beautiful, skinny, married and now having a boy; all the things I've wanted since I could remember. But I shouldn't be this way I have Barry. I'm happy i'm apparently just emotionally not ready to loose the thought of my previous unborn child, does that make me a monster?

I can't even talk to my father about it because I never told him when it happened and I don't know how he will take to it. My mom knows but she's not very great at making me feel any better about it. But I can't blame her for trying, Her mother was and still is an awful person so I don't blame her for not having very good emotional contact skills. It doesn't really help either that since being with Barry i've found out that it's going to be harder for me to have kids because of my miscarriage. He acts like it's ok I know he's worried to but I can't help but feel sorry for my self and I don't want to. I've lost more than one child and I can't deal with it. How do other women go on with their lives after having this happen? is there a happy ending for me? Maybe i'll just adopt...I really want my own child though but adoption is like having your own child just not from your own blood. Maybe Barry wouldn't even want to adopt either. We'll it's not like I need to know right now anyways i'm still young and I don't need to have a child right now I guess it's just being told that it might not happen that hurts the most. 

I am happy for my friend being pregnant. I think she will make a great mom. I just didn't want to ruin her day by being that girl crying in the background and I at least showed up and gave her my congratulations so I feel better for that. That's my blow for today. It hurts and anxiety really sucks.