New Ventures

I've begun to sell Avon. Thought I would be ok doing so but i'm getting this horrible pain in my chest. I'm not used to telling people i'm selling stuff and seeing if they will buy from me. It seems to be causing me stress and it's only my second day... I'm freaking out inside and I feel like there's a ton of weight on my chest.

Anyone else get this feeling when they have to sell stuff?

also I made this.

is it ok? or to much?

Baptism

My sweet little niece (actually she's my second cousin) but i've been dubbed the auntie, Abigail was baptized yesterday. If you know me you know that i'm Agnostic and not a follower of the church by any means. I love this little peach with everything in my being so in light of all that I went. She was attached to my hip the whole ceremony. It was actually quite nice until the singing began. Church music is quite horrid. They put 3 hands of water on her head and said a bit of jib-jab and then her mother blew out a candle for her and she got to keep it. It wasn't to bad. Not that I would baptize my child but what ever. 

She's such a cutie and honestly she's one of my favorite people on earth and she can't even talk. She just lights up every time she see's me and I love it. She gives me hope for everything. 

On another note, I went to a belly dancing class with my friend Marjorie. I was so excited and yet nervous at the same time but it was actually really really fun! i'm going to join in on the next month of classes because this one ends next monday so there would be no point for me to just start now. I get a cool eszmerelda like belt to with shiny coins on it which is pretty cool beans to me.

My mother's also ready for me to have a baby now. I've been ready since as long as I can remember i'm great with kids and kids love me. I want the responsibility. So me and Barry are trying but not trying like if it happens it happens kind of deal. So not really planning it but just doing things.

Wish me luck!

Removed

I've gotten rid of my facebook, i'm quite done being told what I can an can not put on my own social media page. Like i'm not allowed to have feelings and emotions i'm just suppose to be a happy little drone that doesn't feel anything else like sadness and negativity. I'm not always sad and depressed which is a great accomplishment for me. Since I was 14 i've struggled with depression and anxiety and no one understands they just think that they can say 'cheer up' and it's going to happen... NO.

There are days I wake up and I love life and want to do a bunch of things but when I wake up and have plans to do things and they don't go very well I get a little upset. I don't know what to do and I haven't gone back to that point where I just sit and cry all day, I just try to find a friend to help me feel better and move on. Well I'm going to ask my doctor to change my medication because everyone seems to just hate me lately for being who I am.

An X iety

I really hate that I am so sensitive to the subject of children. I couldn't even make it 10 minutes at my friends baby shower today. I literally had to leave because I just started crying out of no where. Well I can't say no where I know where just it's not the best and I feel so petty about feeling that way. I thought I had the man of my dreams in a 7 year relationship and three months pregnant and it all went to shit. Got cheated on and had miscarried my child, now I can't even go to a damn baby shower without becoming a baby my self. How uncouth  of me. I'm not afraid to admit i'm jealous of her she's beautiful, skinny, married and now having a boy; all the things I've wanted since I could remember. But I shouldn't be this way I have Barry. I'm happy i'm apparently just emotionally not ready to loose the thought of my previous unborn child, does that make me a monster?

I can't even talk to my father about it because I never told him when it happened and I don't know how he will take to it. My mom knows but she's not very great at making me feel any better about it. But I can't blame her for trying, Her mother was and still is an awful person so I don't blame her for not having very good emotional contact skills. It doesn't really help either that since being with Barry i've found out that it's going to be harder for me to have kids because of my miscarriage. He acts like it's ok I know he's worried to but I can't help but feel sorry for my self and I don't want to. I've lost more than one child and I can't deal with it. How do other women go on with their lives after having this happen? is there a happy ending for me? Maybe i'll just adopt...I really want my own child though but adoption is like having your own child just not from your own blood. Maybe Barry wouldn't even want to adopt either. We'll it's not like I need to know right now anyways i'm still young and I don't need to have a child right now I guess it's just being told that it might not happen that hurts the most. 

I am happy for my friend being pregnant. I think she will make a great mom. I just didn't want to ruin her day by being that girl crying in the background and I at least showed up and gave her my congratulations so I feel better for that. That's my blow for today. It hurts and anxiety really sucks.

Luci happy

I feel really accomplished today. Very accomplished. I got all my grocery shopping done, managed my bills, got dinner made, sorted all my files (tomorrow I work on my fathers files), I managed to have a conversation with 2 strangers at 2 different times without having an anxiety attack. One of them in person in a grocery store and the other through a phone. I'm quite proud of my self. I got almost all the laundry done tonight I'll have only 2 more washes to do then the bedding before Barry gets home from work. I could totally be a house wife. One day I'll have a baby in the mix as well though which will make everything I've done today much harder to do with a child but I think I will get even more joy out of he complexity of it all. Sorry this post is more about the chores of life I've done today but I'm happy and I live sharing that. 

(Pillow cats! Abbigail & Dellilah 💕)

A Few Things Off My Chest

Well I suppose I'll start off with the face that i'm now a ginger. Not sure if I am enjoying it or not considering I have had black hair for as long as I can remember. I have been starting to work out with my boyfriend Barry. We will have been together now for 1 year this August 1st, exciting I know. 

In other news i'm looking for a support group to help me out as I've been to the doctors a few times now and I've found out that i'm struggling with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and a new heart attack for me HPV (human papillomavirus) for those of you who don't know what that entails it's not a great thing to have. I can potentially get cervical cancer from this disease, & as many of you know I had a previous spouse cheat on me who is more than likely the reason I have it so i'm not thrilled. I will be still able to go about my life as normally just adding in a few more doctors appointments then usual and i'm not a risk factor unless you sleep with me which you don't (but yes that means Barry is and yes he is aware and tested and confirmed with me we are going through this together) He's a little more okay with it than I am but it's mainly for 2 reasons; one being that he's trying to be strong for me, & two because getting an STD is one of my all time greatest fears of life.

I'm not thrilled but I will have to live with it and I have come to terms with it as I should because this has no cure. I how ever have become more involved with HPV Awareness groups and finding a cure. I want to get a few wrist bands for people and raise awareness around my community considering I didn't really know anything about HPV until I got it. I'm now wondering what I really went to school for? I mean I took sex education and HPV seems to be something that just gets phased out with other STDs like aids. They should cover all the STDs especially being a woman and HPV being one of the only STDs that can cause cervical and rectal cancers. Why aren't we being made aware? I might stop into my old highschool and have a chat with the staff and see if they will hold an awareness day for the students because women and men should be involved. It takes two for these things to go around. I was actually really surprised to find out that even my own parent's were not aware of what this entailed and it gave me little to know comfort knowing this. I had to sit down and do my own research and while my doctor was impressed I still can't help feeling lost. My hopes here are to reach out to other women with HPV & the other underlying problems that go with it to come forward to me with advice for me to understand and take hold because i'm struggling. January is going to be a whole new ball game for myself, I never knew it was HPV awareness month.

Anyways onto another topic. My stunningly gorgeous new niece Abigail is to be baptized on the 15th (yes that's fathers day) I don't know why they picked that day but i'm sure it will be explained when I get there. For fathers day this year i'm not entirely sure what we have planned I was hoping to get my father one of those indoor-outdoor fire pots that they carry at green earth as he loved the one I got Barry's father for his birthday. We can't seem to think of anything practical to get Barry's father though. He's a man of very little wants and needs. He loves the outdoors and tea. Perhaps we will take them out for dinner in place of materialistic things, who knows I'll leave that one up to Barry.

Well that's my craziness for the week I suppose. 

I'll update again in a while. Hopefully not as long as this time.