How do you find balance when so many things are
against you. You tell your self that it's going to be okay
that you have this person and that person there for you
but you're not okay. I tell my self daily to push through
and put a smile on my face, manage the day, laugh a few
times but in the end there are nights I just cry my self to sleep.
I can't even control it. Tonight is one of those nights but it's
seemed to team up with troubling thoughts.
Sometimes I think I should be alone, that I drag everyone down.
There isn't anyone in my family who wants me around besides
my dad and even he's always working. I'm the black sheep of the family
It honestly feels like no one cares. Friends, I don't think
I even know what that is. I have so many acquaintances, so many
people who know my name but never say hello, so many people
who have seen me out but never ask how I am or ignore me like
i'm a ghost. I want so badly to not feel so alone, how do I fill this
void in me.
I don't understand how I went from being 5 years old and could
make a new friend around every corner to the person I am today.
I hate these feelings, I hate people who tell me that "you just have
to put your mind to it and you can get over it" or "only you can make
it better", how? I clearly don't know because don't you think I
would have if I knew. Did someone not give me the memo to happiness.
I love Barry so much I don't want to see him leave, Thinking about
it hurts so much, but sometimes it hurts to think of him staying with
me when I feel like i'm a big waste of time. I don't think i'm worth
the effort to have a nice life with, I don't even think you could have
a nice life with me to begin with. I have so many medical issues
and he still stays. He knows it's going to be hard for me to have kids
and he still stays. He knows I have this demon inside my head and
still he doesn't leave me. Plus a number of other medical problems
that anyone would turn and run the other way from and never look back
but there he is, and still I feel like I could blink and he'll be gone.
I never want to be alone because I know how I think. I know what
I think about. I wish I was better.
This is where I put on my smile,
lye back down
and wish for a better anything...
Dear Vincent, I know.
- Brit