Love Is All You Need

I know i'm an emotional roller coaster, one minute i'm so happy and

the next I just want everything done with. but honestly who isn't.

I've found a happy place and i'm not going to get rid of it.

Barry is the best man in the whole world. I've made new friends

that I love so much, and even one special one in the UK xx.

I can't wait to receive her penpal package and I can't wait to send

her package from me!

Barry bought me some beautiful flowers (picture above) i love

how pretty they are and that he surprised me with them.

It's just so nice to have that part of my life.

I've been working very hard on my photography and promoting my work.

I really want to build up a good clientele and get some great shots

I love my photographs I put so much work into them and making them

enjoyable for everyone not to love them.

Even Barry enjoyed using my camera and taking a few pointers.

Now he wants to get his own camera to take photo's with me!

I can't wait !

Come check out my page and like and share it with you're friends :)

Thank you!

LuciB.Lawless Photography Page

Vincent

How do you find balance when so many things are 

against you. You tell your self that it's going to be okay

that you have this person and that person there for you

but you're not okay. I tell my self daily to push through

and put a smile on my face, manage the day, laugh a few

times but in the end there are nights I just cry my self to sleep.

I can't even control it. Tonight is one of those nights but it's

seemed to team up with troubling thoughts. 

Sometimes I think I should be alone, that I drag everyone down.

There isn't anyone in my family who wants me around besides 

my dad and even he's always working. I'm the black sheep of the family

It honestly feels like no one cares. Friends, I don't think

I even know what that is. I have so many acquaintances, so many

people who know my name but never say hello, so many people

who have seen me out but never ask how I am or ignore me like

i'm a ghost. I want so badly to not feel so alone, how do I fill this 

void in me. 

I don't understand how I went from being 5 years old and could

make a new friend around every corner to the person I am today.

I hate these feelings, I hate people who tell me that "you just have

to put your mind to it and you can get over it" or "only you can make

it better", how? I clearly don't know because don't you think I

would have if I knew. Did someone not give me the memo to happiness.

I love Barry so much I don't want to see him leave, Thinking about

it hurts so much, but sometimes it hurts to think of him staying with 

me when I feel like i'm a big waste of time. I don't think i'm worth

the effort to have a nice life with, I don't even think you could have

a nice life with me to begin with. I have so many medical issues

and he still stays. He knows it's going to be hard for me to have kids

and he still stays. He knows I have this demon inside my head and 

still he doesn't leave me. Plus a number of other medical problems

that anyone would turn and run the other way from and never look back

but there he is, and still I feel like I could blink and he'll be gone.

I never want to be alone because I know how I think. I know what

I think about. I wish I was better.

This is where I put on my smile, 

lye back down 

and wish for a better anything...

Dear Vincent, I know.

- Brit

2 Years & More

Barry & I celebrated our 2 year anniversary yesterday.

We were going to go to the farmers market in the morning but

decided sleeping in was a special treat. We woke up around 1

and began our day getting dressed up to go out.

We went to the stag shop for some fun shopping and spent

quite a bit of time there lol.

Then we were off to my favorite nail spa Best Nails

Barry got a pedicure (he loved it just didn't like me taking

the photo cause he's a butt) I got my acrylics re-filled and painted.

DINNER!

We got a gift card from our really amazing friends

Shay & Eric I can't say enough good things about them.

But we finally used the gift card they gave us for Moxxies

I was such a great dinner I couldn't believe how good 

everything was. This was my plate It's grilled and dry rubbed

chicken breast with a half wrack of ribs, twice baked potato

and cooked vegetables.

Barry happily got a steak which he says was cooked

to perfection, with caped mushrooms, cooked veggies 

and little potatoes. As you can see he was excited.

He ended up bringing some of it home as it was to much 

food for him to eat but he's been talking about it even today.

We were going to go to the drive in after dinner but

decided that we were to full to stay awake that long.

We ended up coming home and going in our hot tub 

and having some drinks. We finished the night with

Diablo 3 and some R&R.

♥ I Love You BurrBear ♥

Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

I Miss You

 I feel so bad every time I see your photo.

I have so many regrets.

I wish I cherished your friendship so much more.

I know you know that I loved you in my own way.

I made sure I was by your side when you needed me.

I wish I didn't give up for someone who was worthless.

You were an amazing friend and always there for me.

I suppose I should just love the memories and hold on to 

the good times but I still feel guilty. Like there's no closure.

I'm sorry that when you asked me out I never said yes.

I'm sorry for not standing up for you the last time you needed me.

I wish I spent more time with you, even when I spent weeks with you.

I loved you, I still do, I wish you happiness.

At least I have a photograph of the last smile you gave me.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Even if only for a short part in my life.

♥J.V.♥

Weight Loss Goals

I've been hating on my self lately because I gave up on my weight

loss goals but i'm getting back on track. I'm going to give up pop and I 

have started to work out again. I just did 40 minutes of light treadmill running.

Sweaty me is gross though just saying. I'm not big on being sweaty lol. But I wanted

to show you all my new hair, I mixed 50% Pink (my normal pink) and 50% Purple &
I got this color. I love it, Everyone's been telling me I look very elegant and posh. I
 just want to be Kawaii!! lol New glasses too!! super cute they're white but change
 to a purple in the light.Plus I love that they match my hair. Super cute! Well I
want to get more into loosing weight I have 29 days until Barry's Birthday
 and 31 days until we go to Wonderland for Barry's birthday I would like to be in
better shape than I am now for all the walking we will be doing. Plus I want

funnel cake without feeling guilty. I want so much more from this weight loss but
right now i'm going to set small goals. I'm going to try my hardest to loose at least
15lbs - 20lbs before the15th of August! I'm starting out at 294.2lbs
& Yes I am that heavy, yes I know I don't look it but I am.
I am ashamed of it. I am dealing with it. I am strong and I can do this!

Not Giving Up!

 This is my tracker from MyFitnessPal.com
You can add me as a friend too !
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/profile/lucilawless

Hydradenitis Suppurativia

Well I went to my doctors appointment about 3 days ago now and I've now been diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa its a hereditary, recurrent, & painful disease in which there is inflammation in the apocrine sweat glands. It causes a blockage in the hair follicles. As the secretions cannot escape, the hair follicles may swell up & burst, or become infected. 

Hidradenitis Suppurativa has also been linked to the bowel condition chron's disease. The treatment I have to take is called Doxycycline is a tetracycline antibiotic that fights bacteria in the body. The side effects are rediculously long. 

But on a good note I got to visit with my sweet little man Corbin. Who is Heathers son. She would be so proud of how big he's gotten. He makes me feel so much better like Heather did. I wish I had more time with her, to do things with her. 

Worth

It's days like today I'm really glad that I have Barry with me.

I don't know how I would deal if I didn't have his love and support.

I'm getting tired of all the backstabbing people in my life who spread

lies and talk behind my back. I'm tired of those people being as close

as family or being family members as well. I don't know who to trust

anymore. It's sad when I have no one to talk to but my own boyfriend.

I have a few friends I can think of that I can trust but I don't want to 

burden them with my problems. Who do you trust now a days.

I like to keep to my self now since Heather's passed away. Even 

my old close friends have changed and are unreliable. I knew when I

had days like today I could call Heather and tell her everything with no

judgement, no pointing, no concern she would tell another. Life was good.

I wish I had that again but people have become so full of them selves, no

concern for others, doing for them selves and not thinking of the consequences.

Some just going down a path that you can't even say anything thing because

it will do no good anyways. They just push you away and continue down

that spiral to nothing good and i'm there at the end waiting, beaten, torn down,

bleeding and yet my arms are open to catch you...you let me fall. 

But Barry is there. That's all that matters. That all I can hope for.

And it's worth it.