I Miss You

 I feel so bad every time I see your photo.

I have so many regrets.

I wish I cherished your friendship so much more.

I know you know that I loved you in my own way.

I made sure I was by your side when you needed me.

I wish I didn't give up for someone who was worthless.

You were an amazing friend and always there for me.

I suppose I should just love the memories and hold on to 

the good times but I still feel guilty. Like there's no closure.

I'm sorry that when you asked me out I never said yes.

I'm sorry for not standing up for you the last time you needed me.

I wish I spent more time with you, even when I spent weeks with you.

I loved you, I still do, I wish you happiness.

At least I have a photograph of the last smile you gave me.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Even if only for a short part in my life.

♥J.V.♥

Weight Loss Goals

I've been hating on my self lately because I gave up on my weight

loss goals but i'm getting back on track. I'm going to give up pop and I 

have started to work out again. I just did 40 minutes of light treadmill running.

Sweaty me is gross though just saying. I'm not big on being sweaty lol. But I wanted

to show you all my new hair, I mixed 50% Pink (my normal pink) and 50% Purple &
I got this color. I love it, Everyone's been telling me I look very elegant and posh. I
 just want to be Kawaii!! lol New glasses too!! super cute they're white but change
 to a purple in the light.Plus I love that they match my hair. Super cute! Well I
want to get more into loosing weight I have 29 days until Barry's Birthday
 and 31 days until we go to Wonderland for Barry's birthday I would like to be in
better shape than I am now for all the walking we will be doing. Plus I want

funnel cake without feeling guilty. I want so much more from this weight loss but
right now i'm going to set small goals. I'm going to try my hardest to loose at least
15lbs - 20lbs before the15th of August! I'm starting out at 294.2lbs
& Yes I am that heavy, yes I know I don't look it but I am.
I am ashamed of it. I am dealing with it. I am strong and I can do this!

Not Giving Up!

 This is my tracker from MyFitnessPal.com
You can add me as a friend too !
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/profile/lucilawless

Hydradenitis Suppurativia

Well I went to my doctors appointment about 3 days ago now and I've now been diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa its a hereditary, recurrent, & painful disease in which there is inflammation in the apocrine sweat glands. It causes a blockage in the hair follicles. As the secretions cannot escape, the hair follicles may swell up & burst, or become infected. 

Hidradenitis Suppurativa has also been linked to the bowel condition chron's disease. The treatment I have to take is called Doxycycline is a tetracycline antibiotic that fights bacteria in the body. The side effects are rediculously long. 

But on a good note I got to visit with my sweet little man Corbin. Who is Heathers son. She would be so proud of how big he's gotten. He makes me feel so much better like Heather did. I wish I had more time with her, to do things with her. 

Worth

It's days like today I'm really glad that I have Barry with me.

I don't know how I would deal if I didn't have his love and support.

I'm getting tired of all the backstabbing people in my life who spread

lies and talk behind my back. I'm tired of those people being as close

as family or being family members as well. I don't know who to trust

anymore. It's sad when I have no one to talk to but my own boyfriend.

I have a few friends I can think of that I can trust but I don't want to 

burden them with my problems. Who do you trust now a days.

I like to keep to my self now since Heather's passed away. Even 

my old close friends have changed and are unreliable. I knew when I

had days like today I could call Heather and tell her everything with no

judgement, no pointing, no concern she would tell another. Life was good.

I wish I had that again but people have become so full of them selves, no

concern for others, doing for them selves and not thinking of the consequences.

Some just going down a path that you can't even say anything thing because

it will do no good anyways. They just push you away and continue down

that spiral to nothing good and i'm there at the end waiting, beaten, torn down,

bleeding and yet my arms are open to catch you...you let me fall. 

But Barry is there. That's all that matters. That all I can hope for.

And it's worth it.

JDRF Walk For Diabetes

We did the JDRF walk or diabetes yesterday which went better than I though. It started at 10 and we were done and ready to go by 12:20. I met a few of Barry's co-workers. I had fun pushing Brandy and Daves daughter Abby in her stroller. I would do it again. 

Mallymkun

Warning! Graphic content in this post!

So I got a new addition to my vastly growing sweet little personal collection. 

I've decided to name him Mallymkun. He's a sweet little white mouse around 3 inches not including the tail. He was beautifully preserved by my new friend Jocelyn, who told me he was one of her first wet specimens. He's such a beautiful shade of white & I will love him forever. 

Jocelyn has also been given the task to preserve my very first wet specimen whom I call Sir Lupin The First. If you haven't guessed he's a little bunny (Lupin). His jar was tainted and I'm excited to get him back all fixed up! 

Funny I have a rabbit and a mouse. A rather Alice in wonderland goings on here. What a fitting name for my mouse to have as Mallymkun (the door mouse in Lewis Carols Alice in wonderland). Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat! 

Hillview Haven Estate Bed & Breakfast

 

      We got away finally. Away from everyone and went on our bed and breakfast estate getaway. It was absolutely wonderful and very much needed. So our stay was at a beautiful place about 3 hours away called Hillview Haven Estates. It's on 24 acres of land with horses and a gorgeous view of the lakes and hillsides. They had many rooms that were styled to different countries like England, Africa, France, And a Victorian style room as well for a family to stay in, we booked the cutest one though it was Japan. We had a gorgeous large tub big enough for two right beside our bed that we set up Netflix and soaked for two hours. It was so much fun. 

The dinner the host prepared was a three course meal that I would love to go back for more. We started with a salad that was avocado, apple, and cucumber diced on top of a single leaf of lettuce with his homemade dressing. (to die for) also my first time trying avocado. (not bad at all). Our main was stuffed chicken breast roasted with sliced almonds and mango on top of another home made gourmet sauce with roasted potatoes, asperigus and a stuffed pepper. (also my first time trying asperigus not a big fan of it but not bad also). For desert we had the lightest chocolate cake I've ever had in my life. It was served in a martini glass the order went chocolate cake, layer of ice cream on top, chocolate topping with whipped cream then more chocolate shavings, a cookie wafer and a strawberry on top. (heaven in a martini glass should be the name). We later found out this man used to be a gourmet cook who worked for five star restaurants all over the place.

Barry took me shopping around the area and we went to wonderful attractions in really remote places. We got to see scrap metal made into really cool figures like Bumble Bee and Optimus Prime!

      

      

                                           Yeah we're nerds who get excited about this stuff.

        I found a vintage portrait someone painted and had a good laugh cause it reminded me of Barry looks like his pooping face which is also his might be concentrating probably thinking about bacon face lol. Either way I miss his Moustche! 

      

       This was my new friend were very close as you can tell lol I had a really nice laugh after I thought of all the comments I could just imagine Heather saying about us being a pink threesome lol. 

    Over all it was a really great vacation even though it as only two days away from home. It's was needed and I feel so much closer to Barry and much more in love with him. I have a second heart necklace now two sizes bigger than the last which just reminds me everyday how much larger my love grows for him but the little one to show me where it all started. 

               To end off my blog post here I leave you with this great store find....a penis pig!