Is it enough or no?

I realize that I write this with no real expectation of people leaving me feedback or even reading what I have to say. Not that it matters but I guess it's better then writing it out by hand, or maybe I should write this all out by hand. I'm distant. I feel perfectly fine emotionally one minute and the next I hate the person nearest to me and I feel physically sick. I never used to be a crier. I could hold in the worst of feelings I ever had and now I just cry. It's pathetic. I'd like to just make it all go away but I know I wont. I don't know how. Problem solved right?. No but who cares. No one cares i'm getting surgery tomorrow and the next day. No one would offer to come with me and comfort me. Everyone's just out for them selves. (and here come the water works). Perfect. My own boyfriend doesn't even seem to be concerned, not that he has to be but a few comforting words would have been nice. To much to ask for I suppose. Even though I didn't ask. I guess I don't know if I am suppose to ask or not. I figure it's a given that if you're going to be cut, burned, numbed, stitched and put on pain meds that someone would care about you. Especially when you have someone who says they love you. How do people without so called loved ones do this shit. Maybe i'm reading into this to much. I don't feel better on these meds. They're suppose to help my depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder but so far i'm just mad and feeling worse off. Maybe they have made me better though and this is how i'm truly meant to feel about everything. No one cares, why should I care right? Who cares...

I am alone at a crossroads

I don't know what to call this so I wont give it a name. I'm feeling very alone. Even with Barry around I'm alone. Its like that love stage is over before it even started. As soon as he told me he loved me I stopped feeling like he actually did. I don't know if it's true or just the new medication i'm on, but if it is the new medication they're clearly not working now are they. I just want even just one night of a romantic gesture I don't think that's to much to ask without having to ask. Instead I get ignored for a phone or a tablet, When i'm home alone and he gets off early he chooses going with the guys then doing something with me that night. Maybe I just need this to vent but I feel alone. As soon as i woke up this morning to i knew It was going to be a bad day for me. Then I think things are going to look up cause he sends me a message telling me he wanted to do something romantic next month and go see a show "book of mormon" something that's made by the retards who made south park is not romantic....I need to stop watching Disney movies, I guess love like that is unrealistic to real life situations.

Despair

Well I suppose that I should be sleeping but I'm not. I am in no mood to sleep at all I kind of loath myself right now and am taking a real hard look at my life. I guess I wonder why me is all. I mean in the last four years ive been cheated on, had not one but two miscarriages, diagnosed with PCOS, been told I cant have kids, been told I can have kids but it will be hard, had an awful lower abdomen scare for my appendix, had radiation in a small dose done to me a few times while in the hospital, smashed my face and my knee in a public washroom causing damage to my jaw which requires surgery, been diagnosed with HPV, broken my right foots baby toe, and now i've gained back all fifty pounds that took me the better half of a year to loose in the first place....what else is going to happen to me this is ridiculous. If I didn't have Barry I don't know what I would do.

I do but let's not discuss if right now. Mind you I don't know who I'm even discussing this with as I don't think anyone really cares.I'm writing this for my own pleasure I suppose. Who knows. Online diary I guess. I love you Barry C. Leavoy. xx

New Ventures

I've begun to sell Avon. Thought I would be ok doing so but i'm getting this horrible pain in my chest. I'm not used to telling people i'm selling stuff and seeing if they will buy from me. It seems to be causing me stress and it's only my second day... I'm freaking out inside and I feel like there's a ton of weight on my chest.

Anyone else get this feeling when they have to sell stuff?

also I made this.

is it ok? or to much?

Baptism

My sweet little niece (actually she's my second cousin) but i've been dubbed the auntie, Abigail was baptized yesterday. If you know me you know that i'm Agnostic and not a follower of the church by any means. I love this little peach with everything in my being so in light of all that I went. She was attached to my hip the whole ceremony. It was actually quite nice until the singing began. Church music is quite horrid. They put 3 hands of water on her head and said a bit of jib-jab and then her mother blew out a candle for her and she got to keep it. It wasn't to bad. Not that I would baptize my child but what ever. 

She's such a cutie and honestly she's one of my favorite people on earth and she can't even talk. She just lights up every time she see's me and I love it. She gives me hope for everything. 

On another note, I went to a belly dancing class with my friend Marjorie. I was so excited and yet nervous at the same time but it was actually really really fun! i'm going to join in on the next month of classes because this one ends next monday so there would be no point for me to just start now. I get a cool eszmerelda like belt to with shiny coins on it which is pretty cool beans to me.

My mother's also ready for me to have a baby now. I've been ready since as long as I can remember i'm great with kids and kids love me. I want the responsibility. So me and Barry are trying but not trying like if it happens it happens kind of deal. So not really planning it but just doing things.

Wish me luck!

Removed

I've gotten rid of my facebook, i'm quite done being told what I can an can not put on my own social media page. Like i'm not allowed to have feelings and emotions i'm just suppose to be a happy little drone that doesn't feel anything else like sadness and negativity. I'm not always sad and depressed which is a great accomplishment for me. Since I was 14 i've struggled with depression and anxiety and no one understands they just think that they can say 'cheer up' and it's going to happen... NO.

There are days I wake up and I love life and want to do a bunch of things but when I wake up and have plans to do things and they don't go very well I get a little upset. I don't know what to do and I haven't gone back to that point where I just sit and cry all day, I just try to find a friend to help me feel better and move on. Well I'm going to ask my doctor to change my medication because everyone seems to just hate me lately for being who I am.

An X iety

I really hate that I am so sensitive to the subject of children. I couldn't even make it 10 minutes at my friends baby shower today. I literally had to leave because I just started crying out of no where. Well I can't say no where I know where just it's not the best and I feel so petty about feeling that way. I thought I had the man of my dreams in a 7 year relationship and three months pregnant and it all went to shit. Got cheated on and had miscarried my child, now I can't even go to a damn baby shower without becoming a baby my self. How uncouth  of me. I'm not afraid to admit i'm jealous of her she's beautiful, skinny, married and now having a boy; all the things I've wanted since I could remember. But I shouldn't be this way I have Barry. I'm happy i'm apparently just emotionally not ready to loose the thought of my previous unborn child, does that make me a monster?

I can't even talk to my father about it because I never told him when it happened and I don't know how he will take to it. My mom knows but she's not very great at making me feel any better about it. But I can't blame her for trying, Her mother was and still is an awful person so I don't blame her for not having very good emotional contact skills. It doesn't really help either that since being with Barry i've found out that it's going to be harder for me to have kids because of my miscarriage. He acts like it's ok I know he's worried to but I can't help but feel sorry for my self and I don't want to. I've lost more than one child and I can't deal with it. How do other women go on with their lives after having this happen? is there a happy ending for me? Maybe i'll just adopt...I really want my own child though but adoption is like having your own child just not from your own blood. Maybe Barry wouldn't even want to adopt either. We'll it's not like I need to know right now anyways i'm still young and I don't need to have a child right now I guess it's just being told that it might not happen that hurts the most. 

I am happy for my friend being pregnant. I think she will make a great mom. I just didn't want to ruin her day by being that girl crying in the background and I at least showed up and gave her my congratulations so I feel better for that. That's my blow for today. It hurts and anxiety really sucks.