Things are looking up

 I'm so proud of my life right now I can't wait to

see how things will go for Barry & Myself.

I'm going to be putting my best foot forward into 

loosing as much weight as I can. I know I have a few

friends who can help me get that kick in the ass that I need.

I'm looking into working from home as well, I found it online

at nextworkathome.com it's for brand name companies taking orders

online and placing them for delivery. I'm excited to start learning more

about the company and seeing where it can take me because this is perfect

for my anxiety I wont have to leave my house in a frantic attempt to be on

time for shifts and I get to make my own hours. 

But this is a big step because when I solidify these to things then

we are going to start thinking about having kids in the next year or two.

If my weight is managed then there wont be as many complications 

with my health if I have a baby. I've got the baby fever i'm not afraid to 

admit it. It's hitting me harder than I thought it would.

Saint Valentine ♥

I had the most wonderful Valentines Day.

Barry had to work the majority of the day until 8pm.

I started my day getting ready for a movie date with Marjorie.

We saw 50 Shades of Grey.

I now wish to own the books so I will be looking into acquiring those.

I got home for 6:30pm so I didn't have long to wait for Barry

to be off to begin our Valentines.

We ordered in 241 pizza and ate at 8:15pm

after we exchanged gifts.

Barry got my Munchkin Avdenture Time Eddition!

I can't wait to play it!

Then he gave me a Red Velvet box with a hand written note folded inside.

Then he allowed me to open my card which he had lovingly placed a beautiful

10 carrot white gold heart shaped pendant with necklace.

It's gorgeous and I couldn't be happier.

After that he opened my gift to him and he loved it!

I wont go into details as to what happened next but It was a success.

♥I Love You Barry Clifford Leavoy♥

Birth

I have so many friends that have kids now. 

Many of which are on a second or third child.

The majority of them never even wanted kids...

But i'm over here like "I want a baby" and have no luck

what so ever in the department. Not that i'm trying but it's

not that i'm the most protective in the area.

I hate that I have PCOS, I hate that when it comes to it

i'm going to go through a living hell to get pregnant.

Sometimes I think maybe I should just give up and not

have kids, tell Barry that i'm just not going to have any and 

then I see how great he is with any age of child and it melts my heart.

I want a baby so bad. I want someone to love me that I can give my all to.

Maybe it wont happen, maybe it will, I don't know if things will happen.

But I hope i'm at least given the chance to have it happen before

something worse happens with my PCOS or worse...cervical cancer.

These are the days I miss my best friend Heather.

She would have something encouraging to say to me.

To pull me out of this frame of mind.

I miss you babe.

...Throwing Rocks

I wish I had te chance to have a true sibling but it wasn't in my cards clearly. My so called sister just can't leave things lying down. I've made changes in my life and because of some of my new goals and outlooks on life I figured let's start clean take everyone out of that blocked list (Facebook). That blew up in a weeks time. Not that I thought anything would come from it at all my sister messages me because she noticed she was off the list.... [ 1. How did you even notice I don't talk to you or say shit to you, 2. Why do you care & 3. At least your paying attention ]

Not cause I try to be nice when she asks "I noticed you unblocked me" my reply "because your my sister". Nothing but drama from there. I'm tired of her lies and excuses. I'm tired of her taking out her frustrations on me. I deserve better than her and I have it in Richard. 

Her words are hurtful and her fibs are

Outrageous! At least I have Beary to keep me calm. So here's it, a day of mourning, my sister is offically dead, Rest In Hell Bitch. Ima do me, kiss my ass drama queen. 

Old Friends Revised?

I faced a pretty large part of my past this week and it went better than I thought.

I had a falling out with my best friend of 13 years, about 3 years ago.
We stopped talking for 3 years straight.
Reasons don't need to be mentioned but we just fell apart.
I made the decision when I saw her that I would say my peace and see how it went.
She was waiting apparently. It was really nice to reconnect with her.
I'm not going to divulge my everything into it until I know how it's going to go.
But so far it seems promising.

I'm proud that I faced one of my many anxieties and it didn't blow up in my face.
Hopefully it still wont.
I believe it will be a well made decision.

Introspective Dreams

I've been more aware of my dreams lately.

I even brought out my old Dream Journal that tells you the meaning

of your dreams and breaks down for you the behind the scenes so to say

of whats going on in your life and how to deal with it in some sense.

So I had a dream I've never had before which isn't like me at all

I normally dream about the same few things since I was 14 or younger.

So I had a dream about War, Past Friends, Being A Mother & Breastfeeding, 

So here's what it says about my life right now.

War

To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life. On a more direct level, the dream may be reflection of current wars around the world and your personal feelings about it.

Friend

To see friends from your past in your dream points to your desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you have lost touch with. Perhaps it is time to pick up that old hobby or put a long hidden talent to use. A more direct interpretation of this dream may simply mean that you should look this friend up and reconnect with them. 

Motherhood

If you are not a mother in your waking life, but dream that you are a mother, then the dream is a metaphor that you need to show more of your nurturing and caring nature. You need to be more compassionate. Perhaps you are coming across as too indifferent. 

Breast Feeding

To dream that you are breast feeding or nursing symbolizes tenderness, love, nurturance, and motherly love. Good things will be at your grasp. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to be careful in who you confide in.

To see someone breastfeeding indicates that you are nurturing a hidden aspect of yourself. 

I don't entirely know what to make of everything but some things make

sense and some just don't stand out to me just yet but i'm sure they will in time.

The Breast Feeding one is the one that makes me wonder right now.

I've been thinking a lot about having a child, If I still wanted to have kids or not.

I thought this was interesting.

Any thoughts?

Ceremony Of Life

♥Heather♥

07.05.92 - 01.03.15

Yesterday was one of the hardest days for me.

We said goodbye to my best friend Heather.

A celebration of life with over 200 people that showed up.

I was so pleased with the response from people showing up.

Heather was a bright light to everyone it was amazing.

The pastor was funny, bright, and well spoken.

He also suffers some Epilepsy so it was nice having someone

who understands what Heather was going through.

I saw people from high school I haven't seen in maybe 10 years.

No re connections were made though which in my eyes are good.

The immaturity levels with them are still as they were back then.

They sat and took "selfies" at my best friends funeral...

I honestly wish I knew during so they could have been told it was 

so inappropriate. I really hope Cheryl doesn't see them.

It's not a reunion don't take pictures like that at a funeral.

Some people are children though...

I was very grateful that Sarah, Ryan, Eric & Shay showed up since

Barry couldn't get the time off work. They stayed the whole ceremony

with me. It was really nice having mature couples to sit with.

Corbin was completely oblivious to what was going on as

people brought him toys and things to keep himself busy.

He played around with Leigh and his grandpa Keith.

I think he will be just fine.

I will make sure I have that quilt done for him.

I love you Heather♥

Miss you