One Of A Kind Part One

So it's the day of the one of a kind show and I'm laying here in bed just waiting for morning! Desperately waiting cause I'm to stoked to sleep. I was browsing my uncle Normans page on Facebook and noticed a small post about how he's been going to the one of a kind show for 30 years! And this year they won't be making it due to my uncle being a little under the weather with health problems .... I'm really dissapointed they won't be there .... But try are going to have their Christmas show still at teir Gallary in TO so Yay!!! Hopefully I can get there sometime this week or next!! 

Midday Dreary

Cause in the middle of the night

I long to hold you tight

And you're always there

By my side, no questions asked

When tears run down my face 

You're still there all the time

And I love you! 

Strike Back

Posting more seems to be helping me relieve a lot of stress.

I'm super excited to go to the One Of A Kind Show in Toronto 

I can't wait!

Myself and Barry also started our Advent Calendars today!

One piece of chocolate is so not satisfying lol I need to start 20 calendars at once!

Mine how ever does a lovely countdown to New Years as well which is a bonus.

I'm also paying it forward by offering FREE photo's this holiday

to anyone who wants them done.

As long as somewhere down the road you pay it forward as well!

Unless you want to donate a food item to the food bank then I will take that as well!

Also an unused unwrapped Christmas toy or pet food donation! 

I've reconnected with some old friends just in this past week as well which makes me so happy.

I always feel like I have friends but just no one who actually wants to be my friend and hang out

even just to go to timmies and get a drink or go to a pub maybe play some darts or pool.

so this feels good. 

Watched one of my favourite movies tonight Jay & Silent Bob strike back! He'll yea! Noise noise noise smoking weed smoking fatties smoking blunts who smokes the blunts we smoke the blunts lol Jay & Silent Bob rule! 

Tomorrow night we head to Caledon so we can leave early for the one of a kind show but I'm going to make Barry bring his laptop so we can watch Clerks. 

Until then night bitches! 

On A Good Note ♪

♫ƁƦƖŦ♫

I think I'm a new kind of happy. I've never felt so relaxed before.

comfortable in my own skin to say. I'm normally always on edge and anxious.

It could just be the time of year but this time I feel a new sense of self worth.

This is a good time for me to be writing considering most of the things I have had to write about lately have been quite under the levels of sad. I even put makeup on today for the first time in a few weeks, not because I was going out anywhere but because I wanted to. 

 On another note; Barry started work from home now. He's got his own office and everything right across from our bedroom so on his breaks he comes out and gives me a kiss, and I get to spend his hour long lunch with him which he's loving and so am I. I can't play my music as loud as I want but sound proofing will be going up in a few weeks so that will be awesome.

I'm going to Caledon/Toronto on the 4th of December as well for the One Of A Kind Show!

I can't wait for that; My uncle Norman will be there with his wife Joanie selling their beautiful photography prints. I had fun last year when we went and so did Barry so this year we have a one up on knowing some of our favorite booths will be there again and we'll both have more money for Christmas gifts. (yay!) It's going to be really fun with my Cousin Katherine coming and her mom Inge & my niece Abigail and my mom and Barry are coming of course so I can't wait!

This year's going to roll into a new year on a good note! ♪

Is it enough or no?

I realize that I write this with no real expectation of people leaving me feedback or even reading what I have to say. Not that it matters but I guess it's better then writing it out by hand, or maybe I should write this all out by hand. I'm distant. I feel perfectly fine emotionally one minute and the next I hate the person nearest to me and I feel physically sick. I never used to be a crier. I could hold in the worst of feelings I ever had and now I just cry. It's pathetic. I'd like to just make it all go away but I know I wont. I don't know how. Problem solved right?. No but who cares. No one cares i'm getting surgery tomorrow and the next day. No one would offer to come with me and comfort me. Everyone's just out for them selves. (and here come the water works). Perfect. My own boyfriend doesn't even seem to be concerned, not that he has to be but a few comforting words would have been nice. To much to ask for I suppose. Even though I didn't ask. I guess I don't know if I am suppose to ask or not. I figure it's a given that if you're going to be cut, burned, numbed, stitched and put on pain meds that someone would care about you. Especially when you have someone who says they love you. How do people without so called loved ones do this shit. Maybe i'm reading into this to much. I don't feel better on these meds. They're suppose to help my depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder but so far i'm just mad and feeling worse off. Maybe they have made me better though and this is how i'm truly meant to feel about everything. No one cares, why should I care right? Who cares...

I am alone at a crossroads

I don't know what to call this so I wont give it a name. I'm feeling very alone. Even with Barry around I'm alone. Its like that love stage is over before it even started. As soon as he told me he loved me I stopped feeling like he actually did. I don't know if it's true or just the new medication i'm on, but if it is the new medication they're clearly not working now are they. I just want even just one night of a romantic gesture I don't think that's to much to ask without having to ask. Instead I get ignored for a phone or a tablet, When i'm home alone and he gets off early he chooses going with the guys then doing something with me that night. Maybe I just need this to vent but I feel alone. As soon as i woke up this morning to i knew It was going to be a bad day for me. Then I think things are going to look up cause he sends me a message telling me he wanted to do something romantic next month and go see a show "book of mormon" something that's made by the retards who made south park is not romantic....I need to stop watching Disney movies, I guess love like that is unrealistic to real life situations.

Despair

Well I suppose that I should be sleeping but I'm not. I am in no mood to sleep at all I kind of loath myself right now and am taking a real hard look at my life. I guess I wonder why me is all. I mean in the last four years ive been cheated on, had not one but two miscarriages, diagnosed with PCOS, been told I cant have kids, been told I can have kids but it will be hard, had an awful lower abdomen scare for my appendix, had radiation in a small dose done to me a few times while in the hospital, smashed my face and my knee in a public washroom causing damage to my jaw which requires surgery, been diagnosed with HPV, broken my right foots baby toe, and now i've gained back all fifty pounds that took me the better half of a year to loose in the first place....what else is going to happen to me this is ridiculous. If I didn't have Barry I don't know what I would do.

I do but let's not discuss if right now. Mind you I don't know who I'm even discussing this with as I don't think anyone really cares.I'm writing this for my own pleasure I suppose. Who knows. Online diary I guess. I love you Barry C. Leavoy. xx